|thepressure|

>Once I started to live here in NYC, surrounded by students, professors, grad students, there was this really vital moment when (perhaps  it was amplified after 5 years of undergrad) where I realized that I wasn't a student anymore.  I mean, I knew it. But I really felt it for the first time, and it was fucking painful.  A few months after I refused to walk for graduation (I'm not much for ceremonies), it was the end of the summer and everyone I knew was starting school again - grad students, teachers, kindergartners.  I felt this intense resentment and jealousy toward all of them - even the 5 year old.  Fuck them for being able to buy erasers and pencils, clean notebooks and color coordinated folders.  That was my habit, and it had been broken by circumstance. 

As always, I sat down to write about it.   

This is what my notebook looks like:

Or more clearly...

 

 

feeling pressure:

\internal

\familial

\peer

\societal

\of self-actualization

>Nobody told me leaving college meant resurrecting a piece of my identity (studenthood). And so begins the emptiness and pursuit of filling that void.  Confusing -considering, the week before finals,  I thought I'd never consider falling into the academic abyss again.  Now I'm not so sure.